Lighting the Path Less Taken

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A wander in the woods and looking for grouse leads to another bear encounter......what on earth is it with me and bears.....this time I had a small shotgun for grouse not a bear defense or hunting gun...lol....and it was a baby bear...he didn't worry me much it was that he had a mommy somewhere and she wasn't making any noise...I managed to pass by and continue back to my truck without incident....he climbed a tree after crashing through some brush and squalling that is a noise once heard that is not forgotten.......the experience was absolutely incredible.......it was an amazing piece of an amazing day....

purrring happy kitty

q54

Last edited by herding cats on Tue Sep 29, 2009 2:48 am; edited 1 time in total

.I shot and missed and should have had that bird...lol...instead I walked on and saw the bear...

oh the bears I will go back to that area and maybe next time we can have a bit more distance between us and I can see mama.....no worries I won't shoot a mama or a baby.... but I'd like to see them again.....

I had a moment of panic as I realized what I had gotten myself into then I told myself to breathe and just listen....hmmmm....so often that is the answer isn't it....I heard silence....and then cautiously passed the area.....and looked back watching the little guy up the tree and he was watching me....it was an experience most people will never have.....I'm learning that most people who spend their lives in the woods never see bears, I am different in this I have seen bears many times and they used to scare the heck out of me. Now I am fascinated by these creatures, and by hunting them....but the next time I want to see bears I will remember to go after grouse and be undergunned q27

Cats purr, just because they can, I keep reminding myself of that. Watching my cats the other day I was fascinated to see "fatty" racing across the pasture after something....she has always been sort of plump and lazy, never figured her for a huntress....but it seems she is the slayer of mice and bunnies. That reminds me that we cannot always judge by appearance alone and people(fur people) can surprise us.

I surprise myself often lately discovering strength I did not know I had, each day I find more reasons to be happy I am alive, I find more and more to be grateful for and its lots of little things not anything major or impressive. Yesterday was a great day I did my schoolwork, spent a bunch of time shooting......there is this place I go in my mind when I am shooting that I cannot explain but in that place time stands still I also had a heck of a workout at the gym.....and I am as close to purring as a human can be.......today is also gong to be a great day.....

Cats do not like math

oh bother it is such a chore doing this math and wanting to maintain good grades.
My frustration goes through the roof, typical type A perfectionist q12

I cannot seem to just let it go and allow myself to do the best I can I push and push and then I sort of implode.....
my other courses are fabulous and I enjoy them immensely even if the text is dull as can be, the course is fun.

Still most other parts of the cats life still have her purring.....
now if she could just pin down a better job or get more hours from her current job she would consider life darn near perfect.
Well sure the house is trashed and the "lawn" needs mowed and there are things to be done but none of it is earth shattering if it sits and waits.......

on an entirely different note I want to go shopping.....

q54

meow

mmmmm...still purring mostly......finally have come to terms with math and just do the best I possibly can and let it go when I just don't get it....not everyone is a math genius and I will figure out the math I need for what I do in life its always been that way.....

I have rain gear yay and it works..lol.. even more yay...I love my life most days and still keep working on those things I need to let go of.....trying very hard to accept myself the way I am and work on what I can actually change without making myself crazy....

I do not remember asking to be tested so often....sigh...

wish it wasn't so often about pain and letting go......

and last night I died again....I was driving in my first car and then I was dead and looking back at everyone still here.....there were people who didn't know I was gone and I urgently needed to tell them... somehow......so I went to Sage and asked her to tell them......and what stuck out again was making sure the people you love know that you love them.......

good morning world it is a new day and I am off to conquer.....ok actually I am just going to work for 4 hours today but hey whatever I can pretend it is glorious

either the peroxide or the math is messing up my brain I seem to be getting even dingier than I was before

yeah like that is possible....

oh and blondes are supposed to have more fun...well I am trying....bring on the fun q22

ok enough silliness for one morning

Sometimes words get tangled up inside my head and demand to get out and over the years there are pages and pages of these floating around my house and in my computer and on websites.......so here is what happens when I let my mind take over and my fingers type with zero conscious thought......I am no writer but I love reading and words and poetry....s

And then the princess fell in love
and lost her heart and soul
when life came rushing at her in a flurry of wings and waves
she tumbled and she fell
slowly crawling out from somewhere dark
on shaky legs she stood again
stronger than the last yet still breakable as glass
and then the princess fell in love......

It has been 2 weeks of strange intensity in my world......on the one hand I am content and things are going along, on the other hand I feel an intense need to do something right NOW......there is this screaming urgency combined with a sadness and desire....it is literally like a fire inside me and I am not sure why......I also am far far inside my head.....things I haven't thought of in forever are popping to the surface....I realized this morning that there are some huge chunks of my life that I just let slide into oblivion and I really remember very little about those times. I have a huge decision to make and I am avoiding it.......one day I will confront it but not yet.....I just cannot at this time.....

the moon she is beautiful but seems to want to shake things up.......just when i thought it was safe to go in the water...lol....the universe seems to not like to let me have long periods of content.....and to top it off I think I may be catching the crud going round.....bah...

I got sick, then I hunted and hunted and now I hurt...my back is scaring me its been 6 years since my surgery and I have not had this "type " of pain since then....my grandmothers birthday hit me like a ton of bricks some years it does some years it doesn't I realized lately I really miss her....little things still are making me cry for no reason. I had a dream last night that my best friend and my family were all together and no one would talk to me, I watched all the people with the horses and missed it but didn't it seemed so far far in the past.......my best friend told me I was horrible for walking away from that life and for being distant.......my father wouldn't speak to me at all he looked right through me....then I suddenly was sure I was dead...again...why in the hell am I always dead in dreams lately...I gave up on it and woke myself up and crawled out of bed, my back sore and frustrated....

Frustrated that would be how to describe what I feel lately constantly.....frustrated...and I do not like it one little bit......

physical pain I learned to live with for most my life and could do it again if I must.....but the constant mental anguish the tearing of my soul the splitting of myself is growing old......I do not know why I react this way, there is a lesson in here somewhere and I am not learning it......in fact as usual I am missing it by a mile.....

I never see the obvious my power of observation is very lacking until something minute presents itself....I will notice a chain clipped on the wrong link but not notice the vehicle in the driveway......or the tracks on the side of the road and the grass cropped short by the teeth of an elk but not see the damn animal in front of me.......it is like I am sometimes completely blind lost inside my thoughts......things in my world consist of me missing the obvious it is something I've been doing my whole life.......

there is really no point to this post I am just needing to talk to myself I guess or maybe I am wishing for a friend who could help me sort out my life...or even somedays I am actually wishing I had done things different which is not like me I try very hard to have no regrets...so now I am experiencing emotions I am unfamiliar with...jealousy and competitiveness.....I feel like a loser almost daily......I feel weak and unworthy...I do not understand why ...... I just get up each day hope for the best and try to survive the next round of not liking myself......even in the middle of fun things I am fast becoming lost inside my head and cannot talk to anyone everything I say seems somehow to come out upside down and sideways......

not sure where I am going with this so gonna stop for now......maybe I need to get some catnip it seems to make cats happy at least for a little while q12

This will sound strange but......
the day I stop wishing
is the day I stop dreaming
and when I stop dreaming there is no more hope in my life and I may as well lie down and sleep for eternity.

I believe in fairy tales and things no one else can see and I cannot just give that up without giving up who I am and always have been. If I do there is no reason to be here no reason to be alive......when I stop looking for my happily ever after... there is nothing else.

I actually figure my life will end in one of those tragic ways....I relate to tragic endings.....boy gets girl but she turns to sea foam.....boy and girl fall in love but are destined to never be human at the same time......romeo and juliet, narcissus and whoever it was.......heck even those modern vampires in the twilight series.....pretty much how it will go for me......I think that was the sad look on grandma's face when she read my palm that day long ago and I will never forget......
she patted my hand told me I would be loved and then looked sad.......and then said what she always said its just silly parlor games there is nothing to it....

In the mean time I get up and try to enjoy each day as best I can.....I know I cannot have what I want but that is ok.......well its not ok but I will learn to live with it ....like the song says we can't always get what we want.......

maybe I need to take some sort of vow of silence...stop talking too much keep the voices in my head where they belong.........if the weather doesn't ruin it for me tomorrow I am going out into the woods alone again......at times I think if I could just keep going around one more bend I wonder where I would end up if I never turned back?

If I can't have fairy tales then I don't see the point in any of the rest.....there is no something more..none of that it all becomes crap and we are just biological masses of goo living to reproduce and die.....

I hate math.....just a note.....there is something I hate and it is math...