Lighting the Path Less Taken

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Well I am fine now.....

I knew what had happened and had to ride it out thank god it was short lived and those stupid pain pills have a rather short half life..... I'm also feeling well enough to get out and walk a couple easy miles... still not working out yet but that will come soon enough......

I also sat down listed every single thing I was grateful for and every blessing in my life and slowly chased off the black cloud..........

I am so loved and have so many blessings I just must remind myself...... I have a great life, and so much more to come.

I had a very in my face dream....... I was driving a jeep ( the one I want

) up a very steep incline and it was about to stall .... I had to decide to either stall and go backwards or step on the gas and keep climbing to whatever was up there........ I stepped on the gas and then woke up.....

and then there is the other repeat theme in my dreams this week q25

the green lantern.....

after this phrase appeared in a dream for the 3rd night I googled it.... guess it was a popular comic...who knew....and I do know there is a restaurant by this name down at the ocean.... q25

will see if it appears again tonite as I am still not quite getting that one....

Odd dreams have been the norm again...... still no idea what some of them mean, maybe just a way for my mind to let go of things......

I dreamt the other night that everyone left me and this time I was alone and unwanted and very sad....... which is weird because usually my dreams where I am alone I am also content q25

that feeling of being unwanted is an old old one goes way back to when my father left..... but I have made peace with that or thought I did q25

last night was just a jumble of many dreams but I awoke as I was helping a pharmacist dispense medications.....ok whatever q25

weird dreams q25

.......would much rather just have erotic dreams

so so much simpler to figure those out q21

Have you ever seen a fish out of water how it gasps and flops and flips around...... I feel like that a lot....not sure why but that image pops into my head when I get frustrated.... I am a gasping fish out of water so please throw me back and soon..... unfortunately I think the situation is now permanent and I am going to have to figure out how to breathe in this new environment......well if polliwogs can do it I guess so can I.... q21

Well in typical northwest style it poured rain.....and like the doofus that I am I forgot my camera...so no pictures...it did clear up enough to go for a short walk on the beach and we watched some surfers try to catch a wave...didn't see much success...

So today sis took kiddo off my hands for a few days q22

parents got the house to themselves q14

I went down into town and joined a gym and actually used the equipment today..and the pool....it was great.....I am in love with the eliptical machine...way cooler than a treadmill...... I seriously need a new swimsuit though.... q12

never thought I'd be complaining that my swimsuit is too big... q48

off to put more paint on a wall.....

q15

I am not sure how this happened.....but I actually enjoy going to the gym and sweating and working on my body.....who would have thought.....of course I also know that it is to some degree simply a new addiction replacing the old addictions....but it is much healthier I think.

but today I have too many things to do so it is going to be the day off....and I am kinda annoyed by that...lol.....I actually want to go and have just too many other plans for today...sigh....I guess realistically you are supposed to give your body a rest occasionally but I don't want to..... q11

ok off to get ready for the doctors and other errands.... q12

Every day I wake up and decide Today will be a good day. Most days follow through and are good.
And every evening when I go to bed I realize my hapiness is mine. It is such a simple choice to be happy or not. And even when I am terribly sad I now realize that hapiness is right there waiting for me.....
Sounds easy but it takes conscious effort q21

and throw teenagers and other loved ones into the mix and well it is a challenge to remain happy when they are creating drama

who'd a thunk boyz would be such drama queens q25

When cats sleep they dream and this cat dreams of hunting.....first its deer and now its bear......I actually saw him and he is rather large for this area..... today is the day I can actually pursue him and I have to work however tonite I will go out to the woods and see if I can find him.

I should be at the gym but I am burning out and didn't sleep great my dreams were too active and I woke exhausted.....as I sit here beating myself up for skippping the gym I am trying to remember I am only human and not perfect.....besides if I manage to find and kill my bear thats gonna be one hell of a work out q12

should I go a little quiet this is why I am away hunting......

Today is going to be a great day......

meat in the freezer is a good thing......but I have to do this......for years I hated hunters and hunting...actually I was lying to myself I always wanted to do it but it wasn't done in my family...it was ok for others but not for us....and I have been terrified of bears all my life so this is a huge challenge for me.....this bear walked right at me as if I wasn't even there I finally moved on because he was getting too close and I was sure it could hear my heart pounding..... I need to complete the circle.....I've spent years bringing things into the world so now I am going to take a few out.....sounds a little more harsh than I mean it.... our species is meant to hunt and to be fully human on this trip I need to hunt I need to be as human as I can be .....

I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted then I lost it all along the way, I no longer know who I am or where I am going. I am not even sure if it is worth the effort....to continue to try and find myself....maybe being lost is better....maybe just disappearing and not coming back...nothing is going the way I planned and everything is going wrong....all I seem to feel is sadness and worthlessness except for those moments when I am working out at the gym and am completely engrossed in making myself feel pain.... everything went wrong today I am so frustrated and tired of trying only to fail and fail and fail......and to worry always the worry of how to keep afloat long enough to sink again....I cry and I dream of a different life and then I cry some more.....and then I try to put on my fake smile and go out into the world and appear happy, it is becoming harder and harder to to do, I am not sure I care anymore what does it matter if I am smiling or not, it doesn't really....I don't really matter I am just a tiny little fleck in a big huge universe that will march on with or without me......I've always wondered if I had something I was good at and as far as I can tell there is really nothing no special talent I am not using, nothing to set me apart from anyone else other than an unbelievable ability to be the most negative person on earth.....happy was fun while it lasted but now it is gone....

I'm not wanting sympathy or answers I just want to get it out of my head.....it is the down side to being me and being a part of my life...it can get real ugly when I get stuck.....

right now I just hold tight to being able to go to the gym and being able to go out back and shoot......I feel good while doing those two things they take my mind away from thinking and lets me just focus on the moment....

the horses are gone and I had no idea how hard that would be......I gave up my kids and will never see them again....too hard to explain right now but suffice it to say the home is fabulous but they won't maintain contact........and I will not intrude.

My oldest son is coming home to visit in a few weeks and now he is also grown and will be leaving again after a short visit.......I just hope that he succeeds in life and does better than his parents have.......

I used to smoke and drink to dull the pain now I dont do either.....now I just get to feel everything....

If I cannot keep my finances in order then I become a burden to my family and to society so in many ways my worth is tied to success and seeing as success hasn't happened I feel like a terrible burden......

I was so happy and so positive for so long and now its just gone replaced with sadness and confusion .....

the reiki doesn't work anymore its like it is gone as well....just like the confidence I thought I had.....

First I am grateful to all of my friends who leave the light on when I enter into the dark. I have found my way out of that awful place and now I have to figure out how to stay out of there. I know what the problem is and I am unsure of how to fix the problem.....it is as always in my life more complicated than it needs to be.

The one thing I seem to gain each trip to the dark is a better understanding of myself of who I am and of what I want......now the acting on these things is the difficult part, I am well programmed by society and life to follow the rules and play the game.....I will color outside the lines and I sometimes ignore the the way the game is supposed to be played, never did like games that much, but I, like most souls here, am afraid to truly just follow my wants and desires......

so for right this minute I am very much alive and well and out of the dark but no one knows what tomorrow will bring......

thank you all and I am sorry if I was a pain in the ass..and likely will continue to be one...this forum is the closest thing to a journal for me....I no longer keep a regular private journal I have this place....

q13

It is a strange thing all this change and growth......I am sort of back where I started a long time ago with some of the dreams and desires surfacing that had been put on hold. Funny how you can bury things but they won't stay buried they come back time and time again......then other things will just reappear and then disappear until needed again. I hadn't thought about the fact that the last religion I practiced was Buddhism and that I still follow a few rituals and always have and that the other practice I have acquired is yoga which I really want to take another class for.....come on gym manager bring that instructor in...lol...now reiki has sort of reminded me of my buddhist practice left behind.....I will just keep following the threads and see where they lead it is a mighty strange web I am weaving.....

Today was an absolutely wonderful day ... while a few things went wrong a couple things went amazingly right....sigh....

I'm not sure if my glass is half empty or half full but the last week has been a trial in frustration nothing has gone completely wrong but not much has gone right either q23

it is oh so strange to feel like everything is incomplete, 1/2 way there, 1/2 finished q25

I have had a positive response on a job application.....they wanted more paperwork from me this is a first......so my fingers are crossed that just maybe I will get out of this rut of being stuck ...... classes start tomorrow holy cow summer is gone.....it was cool this morning I should have gotten up early and gone hunting but I was tired and just wanted to sleep.....my bear still waits for me out there somewhere......

First a contented sigh.....then a purr....and the cat is happy

here is a strange notion involving math....when something recently happened that should have caused me great pain somehow I flipped it around and found not pain but peace......well it reminded me of the concept of reciprocals in math....so maybe there is more to this math stuff than just boring equations (secretly I enjoy the challenge and struggle of math)

q54