Lighting the Path Less Taken

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Changing is difficult..... some changes are easy others not so much..... saying goodbye to the past to the things and experiences that have shaped my life to this point....very very difficult. Saying goodbye to what for so long defined me, again very difficult..... saying hello to the new me, not so difficult....often a little shocking but not difficult....

too be continued......

It is time to say good bye, time to let the horses go. It has been one of the hardest decisions to come to but they need to be where they are wanted..... here they are simply cared for but no longer a major part of our lives. I put it to the universe to bring me the best home....it will happen when it is meant to but I am finally decided they need to move on.

I was a horse person, it was how I was defined for so long....now what am I? I am me and there are other things in my life but nothing was ever as prominent as the horses.

to be continued.....

Wishing and wishes and dreams it seems I get what I want when I don't even know what that is.......

meanwhile songs play over and over in my mind I get lost in some day dream and snap back to reality wondering where I am and how did I get here......

show me just how much more I can achieve if I just believe..... sitting in class today the teacher was busy disproving things like psychic ability, and ghosts and everything that I believe in was up for a laugh and an example of something that cannot be proven.....it was a strange sensation to sit and listen to what is as close to religion as I have being basically diminished ... no biggie I believe what I believe and the rest of the world can believe what they believe......

I'm also learning that common sense is not encouraged in college....lol...apparently it goes against critical thinking and empirical evidence .... I am beginning to understand how this wonderful country is so quickly going down the tubes...... I also am glad I waited to go to school until I was well rounded enough in life to not just take what these teachers say as gospel...... and again I am choosing some weird subjects for my papers......

and she rambles on and on going in circles not really getting anywhere....... tossing thoughts from her head onto paper in a completely random order.....

jumping from school to belief to dreams to hopes to the wishing moon...... oh I must be careful with those wishing moons.....and yet.....

Strange dreams they fill my nights, waking briefly only to fall into another new and strange dream world, some I have been to before others are completely new...... always there is one with destruction and mayhem, or a battle or a war waging......always it is a dream place I've been before and now it is tossed about and disheveled. The strangest statements stand out from my dreams......

"it's nice to see you not limping and stumbling and injured"

makes no sense wasn't even in context with the dream it was another random statement that just appeared in the middle of an otherwise bizarre dream......

I probably should be writing these all down somewhere maybe there is something more to it......

or maybe it is nothing and I am just nuts..... sometimes I am not completely sure about my sanity......

even as I type this my mind wanders off on tangents of thought ...... seems lately my mind has a will of its own and doesn't like to stick to the task at hand.....

maybe I am asleep and just need to wake up.............

Ammonium sulfate..... I be unloading literally hundreds of 10lb bags of this stuff q25

and why did I wake up specifically remembering that piece of a dream....... white bags with a yellow stripe filled with Ammonium sulfate loaded in the back of a truck and had to be unloaded into a barn...... wasn't my barn don't know who's barn it was but there were stacks and stacks of bags....everywhere..... and to tell the truth I've never seen or purchased ammonium sulfate in anything smaller than 25lbs q25

Weird dreams constant weird dreams.....

I am just rambling so I can try to find my way through some of my thoughts.... much of what goes on in my dreams and in my head is too personal to share with anyone.... so when things present themselves that can be shared I try to open up a little......

I am actually happier than I have been ever.... I have so many wonderful things in my life I really have no grounds to complain q18

Well I wished upon the moon now I leave it to destiny.....

Today was a good day, no it was a great day.... I went fishing in the ocean and it was so much fun, I am tired and sore and caught a ton of fish, but feel great.... still not smoking, having fun, only a couple things in my life that are not how I would like them...... pretty good considering how wrong things went for me when I was obviously NOT paying attention ......

As I fell asleep last night I went back to the ocean and the waves rolling and even though it is kind of scary knowing just how powerful the ocean is it is also very mesmerizing to watch the waves roll toward you pass under and continue on......

So I fell asleep doing reiki with a strong image of just rolling waves....slept like a rock and woke up sore...but it is a good sore and... bruised I have a ton of bruises q21

I sometimes wonder if the love for the water is something genetic or passed from our ancestors...... both sides of my family liked to fish and be near the water..... the one side is Norwegian and I am pretty sure I was born liking water.... liked it so much I drowned once and had to be brought back q12

I've always lived close to water be it lake, river, creek, sound..... but I also need trees I do not like living in barren sage brush land must have hills and trees and forests....

ramble ramble q12

Dreams again.... very strange dreams.... with lots of weird instances of things out of context....

and this was interesting

At the beginning of the dream there were lots of people and as it progressed there were fewer and fewer, some I spoke to and they disappeared some just seemed to disappear......at the end it was just myself and 1 person......and again we were looking for something but I do not remember what q10

then I woke up

Strange dreams again..... seems to be the norm now......

I made a mistake yesterday and let my guard down then talked to the wrong person.... sent me into a horrible mood and it was tough to shake..... must remember to keep the walls up..... sometimes this is a real curse.... other times it is magical....

I hurt myself again..... you'd think i was some sort of horrible klutz as often as I run into things and hurt myself

I'm really not just tend to do too much and not pay attention...

limping up the stairs at school today will be really fun....NOT....

so much work.....so many things I'd like to do... so little time...... although there are moments when time seems to stand still, I will continue to hold onto those moments and not let go........

to be continued......

this particular person is someone I care about very much .... BUT

It took someone else to help me realize it wasn't my emotions.... it hit me that hard and fast I didn't realize it at first..... this is the first time I have felt this persons feelings to that extent and all I can say is wow... if only......well ...anyway it was another experience of the strange and unusual.......in the world of the cat.....

She's up she's down she just went sideways..... the life of this cat is sometimes a little weird..... lately it is a lot weird.... dreams that are too real, reality that is like a dream, and too many irons not enough fire....and I do not have a bathtub...

how is that for random....but it has been 3 years since I had a huge tub to soak in and damn I miss my huge bathtub....

time to go soak up some sun....and let my mind go where it wishes for a bit......

A new day and a new set of random thoughts..... why are weathermen always wrong...sigh... I was going to go and challenge a hill today to burn off some stress and lose myself for a while but now it is pouring rain, they said it would be partly nice today.....the liars...

So once you find love then what?

I mean really all the stories all the songs make you believe you find love and everything is peachy keen.....well they are wrong...it seems this is when the pain begins.... just how much hurt you can endure without losing your mind, just how much you can care about someone else...you realize no matter how much you love someone they are still their own person......... no matter how much someone loves you back you will not be owned.....love feels like a cage sometimes, and other times it is like freedom, you discover just how much you can hurt those you love without intending to, and you begin to wonder if it is possible to hold onto yourself and not lose who you really are and still love another.......

again just my random thoughts in no real order..... I don't want answers ....I just like to see the questions outside of my head, it makes them real, gives them form, and allows me to figure it out for myself......

I'm really hell bent lately about doing things myself, for myself, defining myself, I feel like my last few lives are going to be called in and there is a lot to do still.....I am not finished, I am supposed to be doing something I am not and I am running out of time......cats may have 9 lives but when you've used up as many as I have.....well you wonder sometimes if your guardians are getting annoyed...

Another day and I cannot concentrate....I think I need a nap but like always I just can't do that......other people can nap I lay down and feel guilty for not getting things done, or my mind takes off and won't be still, or it's just too light out so I can't sleep....

It's actually been a really good day considering I've had a few rough ones since the full moon......stupid moon... q21

ok ok cannot blame the moon but it sure did not help.....

my manifesting has hit a brick wall q11

and I cannot seem to manifest much of anything at the moment ....it was going so well......maybe I need to go and read the cards and see what wonderful advice they have.....I know I am missing something again....I do this I can feel it there is something and I cannot put my finger on it...... my job may be in some jeopardy as the company is having problems....so they are cutting back hours which means I may just not get more hours once I have more time.....I would rather be working in the field I am working towards BUT wasn't ready yet.....yeah yeah no need to remind me...if the universe thinks I am ready then it gives me a freakin huge shove.....

and oh so many more random thoughts just swirling in my mind and no hill to challenge and turn them off....

todays nice weather helped and last night a nice short hike ...tonite will be another short hike/walk just depends on how many hills I can find....

I feel better when I can get out among the trees....even if the forest is often so dark and dense you can barely see through it....it challenges you to identify creatures by the way they crash around...

deer are very noisy..... the grouse make some weird sounds.....the ravens are loud and actually crash through the trees q25

you half expect to see bigfoot

My logical mind understands that I have been affected by chemicals, I physically cannot do what I did a week ago, I will heal, and it is ok to take time off.

My emotional mind is utterly in complete blackness, no desire to do anything, worthless because I can't do things that are simple, feeling trapped and smothered, and feeling very old and like there is really no reason to try to change anything.... I should just accept what I chose in the past and deal with it.....eventually I will die and maybe get to come back and screw it up again.....ugh....

This being human stinks....
q23