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cat's ramblesChanging is difficult..... some changes are easy others not so much..... saying goodbye to the past to the things and experiences that have shaped my life to this point....very very difficult. Saying goodbye to what for so long defined me, again very difficult..... saying hello to the new me, not so difficult....often a little shocking but not difficult....
too be continued......
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It is time to say good bye, time to let the horses go. It has been one of the hardest decisions to come to but they need to be where they are wanted..... here they are simply cared for but no longer a major part of our lives. I put it to the universe to bring me the best home....it will happen when it is meant to but I am finally decided they need to move on.
I was a horse person, it was how I was defined for so long....now what am I? I am me and there are other things in my life but nothing was ever as prominent as the horses.
to be continued.....
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Wishing and wishes and dreams it seems I get what I want when I don't even know what that is.......
meanwhile songs play over and over in my mind I get lost in some day dream and snap back to reality wondering where I am and how did I get here......
show me just how much more I can achieve if I just believe..... sitting in class today the teacher was busy disproving things like psychic ability, and ghosts and everything that I believe in was up for a laugh and an example of something that cannot be proven.....it was a strange sensation to sit and listen to what is as close to religion as I have being basically diminished ... no biggie I believe what I believe and the rest of the world can believe what they believe......
I'm also learning that common sense is not encouraged in college....lol...apparently it goes against critical thinking and empirical evidence .... I am beginning to understand how this wonderful country is so quickly going down the tubes...... I also am glad I waited to go to school until I was well rounded enough in life to not just take what these teachers say as gospel...... and again I am choosing some weird subjects for my papers......
and she rambles on and on going in circles not really getting anywhere....... tossing thoughts from her head onto paper in a completely random order.....
jumping from school to belief to dreams to hopes to the wishing moon...... oh I must be careful with those wishing moons.....and yet.....
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Strange dreams they fill my nights, waking briefly only to fall into another new and strange dream world, some I have been to before others are completely new...... always there is one with destruction and mayhem, or a battle or a war waging......always it is a dream place I've been before and now it is tossed about and disheveled. The strangest statements stand out from my dreams......
"it's nice to see you not limping and stumbling and injured"
makes no sense wasn't even in context with the dream it was another random statement that just appeared in the middle of an otherwise bizarre dream......
I probably should be writing these all down somewhere maybe there is something more to it......
or maybe it is nothing and I am just nuts..... sometimes I am not completely sure about my sanity......
even as I type this my mind wanders off on tangents of thought ...... seems lately my mind has a will of its own and doesn't like to stick to the task at hand.....
maybe I am asleep and just need to wake up.............
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Ammonium sulfate..... I be unloading literally hundreds of 10lb bags of this stuff  and why did I wake up specifically remembering that piece of a dream....... white bags with a yellow stripe filled with Ammonium sulfate loaded in the back of a truck and had to be unloaded into a barn...... wasn't my barn don't know who's barn it was but there were stacks and stacks of bags....everywhere..... and to tell the truth I've never seen or purchased ammonium sulfate in anything smaller than 25lbs
Weird dreams constant weird dreams.....
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I am just rambling so I can try to find my way through some of my thoughts.... much of what goes on in my dreams and in my head is too personal to share with anyone.... so when things present themselves that can be shared I try to open up a little......
I am actually happier than I have been ever.... I have so many wonderful things in my life I really have no grounds to complain 
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Well I wished upon the moon now I leave it to destiny.....
Today was a good day, no it was a great day.... I went fishing in the ocean and it was so much fun, I am tired and sore and caught a ton of fish, but feel great.... still not smoking, having fun, only a couple things in my life that are not how I would like them...... pretty good considering how wrong things went for me when I was obviously NOT paying attention ......
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As I fell asleep last night I went back to the ocean and the waves rolling and even though it is kind of scary knowing just how powerful the ocean is it is also very mesmerizing to watch the waves roll toward you pass under and continue on......
So I fell asleep doing reiki with a strong image of just rolling waves....slept like a rock and woke up sore...but it is a good sore and... bruised I have a ton of bruises 
I sometimes wonder if the love for the water is something genetic or passed from our ancestors...... both sides of my family liked to fish and be near the water..... the one side is Norwegian and I am pretty sure I was born liking water.... liked it so much I drowned once and had to be brought back 
I've always lived close to water be it lake, river, creek, sound..... but I also need trees I do not like living in barren sage brush land must have hills and trees and forests....
ramble ramble
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Dreams again.... very strange dreams.... with lots of weird instances of things out of context....
and this was interesting
At the beginning of the dream there were lots of people and as it progressed there were fewer and fewer, some I spoke to and they disappeared some just seemed to disappear......at the end it was just myself and 1 person......and again we were looking for something but I do not remember what  then I woke up
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Strange dreams again..... seems to be the norm now......
I made a mistake yesterday and let my guard down then talked to the wrong person.... sent me into a horrible mood and it was tough to shake..... must remember to keep the walls up..... sometimes this is a real curse.... other times it is magical....
I hurt myself again..... you'd think i was some sort of horrible klutz as often as I run into things and hurt myself  I'm really not just tend to do too much and not pay attention...
limping up the stairs at school today will be really fun....NOT....
so much work.....so many things I'd like to do... so little time...... although there are moments when time seems to stand still, I will continue to hold onto those moments and not let go........
to be continued......
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this particular person is someone I care about very much .... BUT
It took someone else to help me realize it wasn't my emotions.... it hit me that hard and fast I didn't realize it at first..... this is the first time I have felt this persons feelings to that extent and all I can say is wow... if only......well ...anyway it was another experience of the strange and unusual.......in the world of the cat.....
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She's up she's down she just went sideways..... the life of this cat is sometimes a little weird..... lately it is a lot weird.... dreams that are too real, reality that is like a dream, and too many irons not enough fire....and I do not have a bathtub... how is that for random....but it has been 3 years since I had a huge tub to soak in and damn I miss my huge bathtub....
time to go soak up some sun....and let my mind go where it wishes for a bit......
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A new day and a new set of random thoughts..... why are weathermen always wrong...sigh... I was going to go and challenge a hill today to burn off some stress and lose myself for a while but now it is pouring rain, they said it would be partly nice today.....the liars...
So once you find love then what?
I mean really all the stories all the songs make you believe you find love and everything is peachy keen.....well they are wrong...it seems this is when the pain begins.... just how much hurt you can endure without losing your mind, just how much you can care about someone else...you realize no matter how much you love someone they are still their own person......... no matter how much someone loves you back you will not be owned.....love feels like a cage sometimes, and other times it is like freedom, you discover just how much you can hurt those you love without intending to, and you begin to wonder if it is possible to hold onto yourself and not lose who you really are and still love another.......
again just my random thoughts in no real order..... I don't want answers ....I just like to see the questions outside of my head, it makes them real, gives them form, and allows me to figure it out for myself......
I'm really hell bent lately about doing things myself, for myself, defining myself, I feel like my last few lives are going to be called in and there is a lot to do still.....I am not finished, I am supposed to be doing something I am not and I am running out of time......cats may have 9 lives but when you've used up as many as I have.....well you wonder sometimes if your guardians are getting annoyed...
Another day and I cannot concentrate....I think I need a nap but like always I just can't do that......other people can nap I lay down and feel guilty for not getting things done, or my mind takes off and won't be still, or it's just too light out so I can't sleep....
It's actually been a really good day considering I've had a few rough ones since the full moon......stupid moon... ok ok cannot blame the moon but it sure did not help.....
my manifesting has hit a brick wall  and I cannot seem to manifest much of anything at the moment ....it was going so well......maybe I need to go and read the cards and see what wonderful advice they have.....I know I am missing something again....I do this I can feel it there is something and I cannot put my finger on it...... my job may be in some jeopardy as the company is having problems....so they are cutting back hours which means I may just not get more hours once I have more time.....I would rather be working in the field I am working towards BUT wasn't ready yet.....yeah yeah no need to remind me...if the universe thinks I am ready then it gives me a freakin huge shove.....
and oh so many more random thoughts just swirling in my mind and no hill to challenge and turn them off....
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todays nice weather helped and last night a nice short hike ...tonite will be another short hike/walk just depends on how many hills I can find....
I feel better when I can get out among the trees....even if the forest is often so dark and dense you can barely see through it....it challenges you to identify creatures by the way they crash around... deer are very noisy..... the grouse make some weird sounds.....the ravens are loud and actually crash through the trees you half expect to see bigfoot
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My logical mind understands that I have been affected by chemicals, I physically cannot do what I did a week ago, I will heal, and it is ok to take time off.
My emotional mind is utterly in complete blackness, no desire to do anything, worthless because I can't do things that are simple, feeling trapped and smothered, and feeling very old and like there is really no reason to try to change anything.... I should just accept what I chose in the past and deal with it.....eventually I will die and maybe get to come back and screw it up again.....ugh....
This being human stinks....
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Well I am fine now.....
I knew what had happened and had to ride it out thank god it was short lived and those stupid pain pills have a rather short half life..... I'm also feeling well enough to get out and walk a couple easy miles... still not working out yet but that will come soon enough......
I also sat down listed every single thing I was grateful for and every blessing in my life and slowly chased off the black cloud..........
I am so loved and have so many blessings I just must remind myself...... I have a great life, and so much more to come.
I had a very in my face dream....... I was driving a jeep ( the one I want  ) up a very steep incline and it was about to stall .... I had to decide to either stall and go backwards or step on the gas and keep climbing to whatever was up there........ I stepped on the gas and then woke up.....
and then there is the other repeat theme in my dreams this week
the green lantern.....
after this phrase appeared in a dream for the 3rd night I googled it.... guess it was a popular comic...who knew....and I do know there is a restaurant by this name down at the ocean.... will see if it appears again tonite as I am still not quite getting that one....
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Odd dreams have been the norm again...... still no idea what some of them mean, maybe just a way for my mind to let go of things......
I dreamt the other night that everyone left me and this time I was alone and unwanted and very sad....... which is weird because usually my dreams where I am alone I am also content that feeling of being unwanted is an old old one goes way back to when my father left..... but I have made peace with that or thought I did
last night was just a jumble of many dreams but I awoke as I was helping a pharmacist dispense medications.....ok whatever
weird dreams .......would much rather just have erotic dreams so so much simpler to figure those out
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Have you ever seen a fish out of water how it gasps and flops and flips around...... I feel like that a lot....not sure why but that image pops into my head when I get frustrated.... I am a gasping fish out of water so please throw me back and soon..... unfortunately I think the situation is now permanent and I am going to have to figure out how to breathe in this new environment......well if polliwogs can do it I guess so can I....
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Well in typical northwest style it poured rain.....and like the doofus that I am I forgot my camera...so no pictures...it did clear up enough to go for a short walk on the beach and we watched some surfers try to catch a wave...didn't see much success...
So today sis took kiddo off my hands for a few days  parents got the house to themselves 
I went down into town and joined a gym and actually used the equipment today..and the pool....it was great.....I am in love with the eliptical machine...way cooler than a treadmill...... I seriously need a new swimsuit though.... never thought I'd be complaining that my swimsuit is too big... 
off to put more paint on a wall.....
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I am not sure how this happened.....but I actually enjoy going to the gym and sweating and working on my body.....who would have thought.....of course I also know that it is to some degree simply a new addiction replacing the old addictions....but it is much healthier I think.
but today I have too many things to do so it is going to be the day off....and I am kinda annoyed by that...lol.....I actually want to go and have just too many other plans for today...sigh....I guess realistically you are supposed to give your body a rest occasionally but I don't want to.....
ok off to get ready for the doctors and other errands....
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Every day I wake up and decide Today will be a good day. Most days follow through and are good.
And every evening when I go to bed I realize my hapiness is mine. It is such a simple choice to be happy or not. And even when I am terribly sad I now realize that hapiness is right there waiting for me.....
Sounds easy but it takes conscious effort and throw teenagers and other loved ones into the mix and well it is a challenge to remain happy when they are creating drama
who'd a thunk boyz would be such drama queens
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When cats sleep they dream and this cat dreams of hunting.....first its deer and now its bear......I actually saw him and he is rather large for this area..... today is the day I can actually pursue him and I have to work however tonite I will go out to the woods and see if I can find him.
I should be at the gym but I am burning out and didn't sleep great my dreams were too active and I woke exhausted.....as I sit here beating myself up for skippping the gym I am trying to remember I am only human and not perfect.....besides if I manage to find and kill my bear thats gonna be one hell of a work out
should I go a little quiet this is why I am away hunting......
Today is going to be a great day......
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meat in the freezer is a good thing......but I have to do this......for years I hated hunters and hunting...actually I was lying to myself I always wanted to do it but it wasn't done in my family...it was ok for others but not for us....and I have been terrified of bears all my life so this is a huge challenge for me.....this bear walked right at me as if I wasn't even there I finally moved on because he was getting too close and I was sure it could hear my heart pounding..... I need to complete the circle.....I've spent years bringing things into the world so now I am going to take a few out.....sounds a little more harsh than I mean it.... our species is meant to hunt and to be fully human on this trip I need to hunt I need to be as human as I can be .....
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I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted then I lost it all along the way, I no longer know who I am or where I am going. I am not even sure if it is worth the effort....to continue to try and find myself....maybe being lost is better....maybe just disappearing and not coming back...nothing is going the way I planned and everything is going wrong....all I seem to feel is sadness and worthlessness except for those moments when I am working out at the gym and am completely engrossed in making myself feel pain.... everything went wrong today I am so frustrated and tired of trying only to fail and fail and fail......and to worry always the worry of how to keep afloat long enough to sink again....I cry and I dream of a different life and then I cry some more.....and then I try to put on my fake smile and go out into the world and appear happy, it is becoming harder and harder to to do, I am not sure I care anymore what does it matter if I am smiling or not, it doesn't really....I don't really matter I am just a tiny little fleck in a big huge universe that will march on with or without me......I've always wondered if I had something I was good at and as far as I can tell there is really nothing no special talent I am not using, nothing to set me apart from anyone else other than an unbelievable ability to be the most negative person on earth.....happy was fun while it lasted but now it is gone....
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I'm not wanting sympathy or answers I just want to get it out of my head.....it is the down side to being me and being a part of my life...it can get real ugly when I get stuck.....
right now I just hold tight to being able to go to the gym and being able to go out back and shoot......I feel good while doing those two things they take my mind away from thinking and lets me just focus on the moment....
the horses are gone and I had no idea how hard that would be......I gave up my kids and will never see them again....too hard to explain right now but suffice it to say the home is fabulous but they won't maintain contact........and I will not intrude.
My oldest son is coming home to visit in a few weeks and now he is also grown and will be leaving again after a short visit.......I just hope that he succeeds in life and does better than his parents have.......
I used to smoke and drink to dull the pain now I dont do either.....now I just get to feel everything....
If I cannot keep my finances in order then I become a burden to my family and to society so in many ways my worth is tied to success and seeing as success hasn't happened I feel like a terrible burden......
I was so happy and so positive for so long and now its just gone replaced with sadness and confusion .....
the reiki doesn't work anymore its like it is gone as well....just like the confidence I thought I had.....
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First I am grateful to all of my friends who leave the light on when I enter into the dark. I have found my way out of that awful place and now I have to figure out how to stay out of there. I know what the problem is and I am unsure of how to fix the problem.....it is as always in my life more complicated than it needs to be.
The one thing I seem to gain each trip to the dark is a better understanding of myself of who I am and of what I want......now the acting on these things is the difficult part, I am well programmed by society and life to follow the rules and play the game.....I will color outside the lines and I sometimes ignore the the way the game is supposed to be played, never did like games that much, but I, like most souls here, am afraid to truly just follow my wants and desires......
so for right this minute I am very much alive and well and out of the dark but no one knows what tomorrow will bring......
thank you all and I am sorry if I was a pain in the ass..and likely will continue to be one...this forum is the closest thing to a journal for me....I no longer keep a regular private journal I have this place....
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It is a strange thing all this change and growth......I am sort of back where I started a long time ago with some of the dreams and desires surfacing that had been put on hold. Funny how you can bury things but they won't stay buried they come back time and time again......then other things will just reappear and then disappear until needed again. I hadn't thought about the fact that the last religion I practiced was Buddhism and that I still follow a few rituals and always have and that the other practice I have acquired is yoga which I really want to take another class for.....come on gym manager bring that instructor in...lol...now reiki has sort of reminded me of my buddhist practice left behind.....I will just keep following the threads and see where they lead it is a mighty strange web I am weaving.....
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Today was an absolutely wonderful day ... while a few things went wrong a couple things went amazingly right....sigh....
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I'm not sure if my glass is half empty or half full but the last week has been a trial in frustration nothing has gone completely wrong but not much has gone right either
it is oh so strange to feel like everything is incomplete, 1/2 way there, 1/2 finished
I have had a positive response on a job application.....they wanted more paperwork from me this is a first......so my fingers are crossed that just maybe I will get out of this rut of being stuck ...... classes start tomorrow holy cow summer is gone.....it was cool this morning I should have gotten up early and gone hunting but I was tired and just wanted to sleep.....my bear still waits for me out there somewhere......
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First a contented sigh.....then a purr....and the cat is happy
here is a strange notion involving math....when something recently happened that should have caused me great pain somehow I flipped it around and found not pain but peace......well it reminded me of the concept of reciprocals in math....so maybe there is more to this math stuff than just boring equations (secretly I enjoy the challenge and struggle of math)
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A wander in the woods and looking for grouse leads to another bear encounter......what on earth is it with me and bears.....this time I had a small shotgun for grouse not a bear defense or hunting gun...lol....and it was a baby bear...he didn't worry me much it was that he had a mommy somewhere and she wasn't making any noise...I managed to pass by and continue back to my truck without incident....he climbed a tree after crashing through some brush and squalling that is a noise once heard that is not forgotten.......the experience was absolutely incredible.......it was an amazing piece of an amazing day....
purrring happy kitty
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.I shot and missed and should have had that bird...lol...instead I walked on and saw the bear...
oh the bears I will go back to that area and maybe next time we can have a bit more distance between us and I can see mama.....no worries I won't shoot a mama or a baby.... but I'd like to see them again.....
I had a moment of panic as I realized what I had gotten myself into then I told myself to breathe and just listen....hmmmm....so often that is the answer isn't it....I heard silence....and then cautiously passed the area.....and looked back watching the little guy up the tree and he was watching me....it was an experience most people will never have.....I'm learning that most people who spend their lives in the woods never see bears, I am different in this I have seen bears many times and they used to scare the heck out of me. Now I am fascinated by these creatures, and by hunting them....but the next time I want to see bears I will remember to go after grouse and be undergunned 
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Cats purr, just because they can, I keep reminding myself of that. Watching my cats the other day I was fascinated to see "fatty" racing across the pasture after something....she has always been sort of plump and lazy, never figured her for a huntress....but it seems she is the slayer of mice and bunnies. That reminds me that we cannot always judge by appearance alone and people(fur people) can surprise us.
I surprise myself often lately discovering strength I did not know I had, each day I find more reasons to be happy I am alive, I find more and more to be grateful for and its lots of little things not anything major or impressive. Yesterday was a great day I did my schoolwork, spent a bunch of time shooting......there is this place I go in my mind when I am shooting that I cannot explain but in that place time stands still I also had a heck of a workout at the gym.....and I am as close to purring as a human can be.......today is also gong to be a great day.....
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Cats do not like math
oh bother it is such a chore doing this math and wanting to maintain good grades.
My frustration goes through the roof, typical type A perfectionist
I cannot seem to just let it go and allow myself to do the best I can I push and push and then I sort of implode.....
my other courses are fabulous and I enjoy them immensely even if the text is dull as can be, the course is fun.
Still most other parts of the cats life still have her purring.....
now if she could just pin down a better job or get more hours from her current job she would consider life darn near perfect.
Well sure the house is trashed and the "lawn" needs mowed and there are things to be done but none of it is earth shattering if it sits and waits.......
on an entirely different note I want to go shopping.....
meow
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mmmmm...still purring mostly......finally have come to terms with math and just do the best I possibly can and let it go when I just don't get it....not everyone is a math genius and I will figure out the math I need for what I do in life its always been that way.....
I have rain gear yay and it works..lol.. even more yay...I love my life most days and still keep working on those things I need to let go of.....trying very hard to accept myself the way I am and work on what I can actually change without making myself crazy....
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I do not remember asking to be tested so often....sigh...
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wish it wasn't so often about pain and letting go......
and last night I died again....I was driving in my first car and then I was dead and looking back at everyone still here.....there were people who didn't know I was gone and I urgently needed to tell them... somehow......so I went to Sage and asked her to tell them......and what stuck out again was making sure the people you love know that you love them.......
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good morning world it is a new day and I am off to conquer.....ok actually I am just going to work for 4 hours today but hey whatever I can pretend it is glorious
either the peroxide or the math is messing up my brain I seem to be getting even dingier than I was before yeah like that is possible....
oh and blondes are supposed to have more fun...well I am trying....bring on the fun
ok enough silliness for one morning
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Sometimes words get tangled up inside my head and demand to get out and over the years there are pages and pages of these floating around my house and in my computer and on websites.......so here is what happens when I let my mind take over and my fingers type with zero conscious thought......I am no writer but I love reading and words and poetry....s
And then the princess fell in love
and lost her heart and soul
when life came rushing at her in a flurry of wings and waves
she tumbled and she fell
slowly crawling out from somewhere dark
on shaky legs she stood again
stronger than the last yet still breakable as glass
and then the princess fell in love......
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It has been 2 weeks of strange intensity in my world......on the one hand I am content and things are going along, on the other hand I feel an intense need to do something right NOW......there is this screaming urgency combined with a sadness and desire....it is literally like a fire inside me and I am not sure why......I also am far far inside my head.....things I haven't thought of in forever are popping to the surface....I realized this morning that there are some huge chunks of my life that I just let slide into oblivion and I really remember very little about those times. I have a huge decision to make and I am avoiding it.......one day I will confront it but not yet.....I just cannot at this time.....
the moon she is beautiful but seems to want to shake things up.......just when i thought it was safe to go in the water...lol....the universe seems to not like to let me have long periods of content.....and to top it off I think I may be catching the crud going round.....bah...
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I got sick, then I hunted and hunted and now I hurt...my back is scaring me its been 6 years since my surgery and I have not had this "type " of pain since then....my grandmothers birthday hit me like a ton of bricks some years it does some years it doesn't I realized lately I really miss her....little things still are making me cry for no reason. I had a dream last night that my best friend and my family were all together and no one would talk to me, I watched all the people with the horses and missed it but didn't it seemed so far far in the past.......my best friend told me I was horrible for walking away from that life and for being distant.......my father wouldn't speak to me at all he looked right through me....then I suddenly was sure I was dead...again...why in the hell am I always dead in dreams lately...I gave up on it and woke myself up and crawled out of bed, my back sore and frustrated....
Frustrated that would be how to describe what I feel lately constantly.....frustrated...and I do not like it one little bit......
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physical pain I learned to live with for most my life and could do it again if I must.....but the constant mental anguish the tearing of my soul the splitting of myself is growing old......I do not know why I react this way, there is a lesson in here somewhere and I am not learning it......in fact as usual I am missing it by a mile.....
I never see the obvious my power of observation is very lacking until something minute presents itself....I will notice a chain clipped on the wrong link but not notice the vehicle in the driveway......or the tracks on the side of the road and the grass cropped short by the teeth of an elk but not see the damn animal in front of me.......it is like I am sometimes completely blind lost inside my thoughts......things in my world consist of me missing the obvious it is something I've been doing my whole life.......
there is really no point to this post I am just needing to talk to myself I guess or maybe I am wishing for a friend who could help me sort out my life...or even somedays I am actually wishing I had done things different which is not like me I try very hard to have no regrets...so now I am experiencing emotions I am unfamiliar with...jealousy and competitiveness.....I feel like a loser almost daily......I feel weak and unworthy...I do not understand why ...... I just get up each day hope for the best and try to survive the next round of not liking myself......even in the middle of fun things I am fast becoming lost inside my head and cannot talk to anyone everything I say seems somehow to come out upside down and sideways......
not sure where I am going with this so gonna stop for now......maybe I need to get some catnip it seems to make cats happy at least for a little while
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This will sound strange but......
the day I stop wishing
is the day I stop dreaming
and when I stop dreaming there is no more hope in my life and I may as well lie down and sleep for eternity.
I believe in fairy tales and things no one else can see and I cannot just give that up without giving up who I am and always have been. If I do there is no reason to be here no reason to be alive......when I stop looking for my happily ever after... there is nothing else.
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I actually figure my life will end in one of those tragic ways....I relate to tragic endings.....boy gets girl but she turns to sea foam.....boy and girl fall in love but are destined to never be human at the same time......romeo and juliet, narcissus and whoever it was.......heck even those modern vampires in the twilight series.....pretty much how it will go for me......I think that was the sad look on grandma's face when she read my palm that day long ago and I will never forget......
she patted my hand told me I would be loved and then looked sad.......and then said what she always said its just silly parlor games there is nothing to it....
In the mean time I get up and try to enjoy each day as best I can.....I know I cannot have what I want but that is ok.......well its not ok but I will learn to live with it ....like the song says we can't always get what we want.......
maybe I need to take some sort of vow of silence...stop talking too much keep the voices in my head where they belong.........if the weather doesn't ruin it for me tomorrow I am going out into the woods alone again......at times I think if I could just keep going around one more bend I wonder where I would end up if I never turned back?
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If I can't have fairy tales then I don't see the point in any of the rest.....there is no something more..none of that it all becomes crap and we are just biological masses of goo living to reproduce and die.....
I hate math.....just a note.....there is something I hate and it is math...
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And I am an imperfect human who is stressed out as I struggle to finish this quarter and still try to find a new job and get by on unemployment, and try and find a tiny bit of enjoyment so as to stay a little bit sane......all the while feeling like my little house of cards is not only falling its on fire......so when I run off at the mouth scrambled up and negative and lost and confused......I hope everyone remembers I am just a girl trying very hard to just survive this human experience and I will have good days and bad days and if you come along for the ride it will never be dull but it might be a little crazy.......oh hell it is guaranteed to be a lot crazy but we will have fun
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its ok
I hit overload and had to unload or else it eats at me.....most of the time I really just need to get all of the nasty negative thoughts out of my head once I write them here they start to lose their power over me and I can slowly get back to what I was doing. Sometimes when people respond or offer advice it actually screws up my process and I find myself trapped wanting to explain something unexplainable..it is just what happens in my head.....what I write down often is purely the negative thoughts that begin haunting me and by throwing them out of my head and onto paper it stops the cycle......so sometimes when I sound like life is really awful it isn't its just my need to dump out the negative that is getting in my way of progress...
ahhh see with me you get all kinds of crazy...ROFL
I went out for my last attempt on elk today and came up empty but found a place that I plan to spend lots of time in from now until next season ...... it was beautiful even under flood water and pouring rain......
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